ATTACK ON OC
by MidnightNocturne
Summary: The Smashers are fed up with terrible OCs! But what will happen when the worst of them ends up at their front door? Our heroes must face annoying newcomers, Mary Sues and Gary Stues, Fanfiction in flesh, and a dark secret brewing within the Smash Mansion! CONTAINS: hazing, endless satire, more hazing, and possibly character deaths
1. Chapter 1: The Fear

"Where's Mario?" Link asked as he plopped down on the couch. "Haven't seen him all day."

"He was quarreling with Megaman again," Marth replied as he lifted his ink brush from another carefully made stroke.

"What do you think of the newbies?" Ike inquired flatly while his eyes did not part from the TV screen.

The Hylian shrugged. "Hmmmm. Can't say right now. Megaman's okay, but sometimes a little annoying. He's always trying to be a part of everything we do."

"I cannot blame him," the king said in his regal tone. "He's been cast out from the world of Capcom. There's no surprise that he'd be needy and overly dependant."

"What about that Wii Fit Trainer?" Link asked.

"Her fighting style is… peculiar," Ike began. "But-"

The female posse of the Smash Mansion walked by the living room. Judging by their outfits, they were ready to hit the gym.

"Hello, boys," Peach greeted and whipped her blonde locks dramatically.

But they weren't paying attention to the Mushroomy princess. She frowned as she walked past them, disappointed by their lack of interest.

"But…," Ike repeated.

"Yes," Marth agreed in a distinguished manner as he finished painting the rearview of a voluptuous female body. "Dat ass."

The men stared on intently until the women were gone from sight, and I don't blame them. Every female Smasher is objectified in every single way, just because they're so damn hot. Dat ass.

Link then cocked his head to the side in wonder. "Why is it that every time a female Smasher joins, she's objectified in every single way?"

Stop taking my lines.

"Rule 34," Ike answered soberly.

"Rule 34," the blunet agreed solemnly as he went back to is calligraphy. "I wonder if women have similar thoughts about men."

Link tried to hold back a laugh. "Pffft. What about guys like Olimar? You really think they'd fantasize about _him_?"

Marth put down his brush. "Of course not. But..."

In a super-dramatic fashion, he swiveled around and gently placed a hand on Link's face.

"Who _wouldn't_ fantasize about someone as beautiful as _you_, Link?"

Pink flower petals swirled around them as they held their glittering gaze, blushing.

Link tenderly lifted the blunet's chin. "No," he said abashedly. "Your perfect face and dark eyes like the night sky would make any heart melt."

"Nonsense. Your eyes are even more dazzling. They're as blue as the ocean reflecting the brilliant sunlight on a midsummer's day."

"Marth…"

"Link….."

Slowly, their lips grew closer, and closer, until…

"Cut!" Fanfiction called out and disposed of his basket of freshly plucked flower petals. He basically looks like a chalk-white humanoid wearing a business suit with the word Fanfiction written across where his face should be. Did I mention that he's a greedy corporate pig? "That was good, guys. Nice work."

The two swordsmen roughly pushed each other away.

"He-she," Link grumbled.

"Dirty peasant," Marth spat in disgust.

"Kyaaa~!" Peach fangirled in the background and held her phone up high as if it were the Holy Grail. "I got the whole thing on video! This is _so_ going online!"

"Someone's always watching," the king muttered darkly.

The Hylian glared at Fanfiction. "There. You have your gross Yaoi fanservice. Now piss off."

"The characters are all probably OOC," Marth brooded. "And what the hell's with the script?"

"And can you not use flowers next time?" Ike requested as he rubbed his nose. "I'm allergic."

"Oh, yeah, Ike," Fanfiction reminded as he looked down on his clipboard. "You're on Yaoi fanservice duty next week. You're paired up with… Pit. Again."

The mercenary rolled his eyes.

Link walked up to your computer monitor with a hopeful smile. "Fangirls. I would really, _really_ appreciate it if you would stop requesting these Yaoi stuff-"

Fanfiction pulled the blond back from the screen and put him into a headlock. "The only reason why Fanfic survived up to now is because of slash fics! We have to keep our popularity high by any means necessary!"

"Please send your donations to the Fanfic Pairings Relief Foundation," Marth added as he took Link's place. "It is an organization that-"

"Stop breaking the 4th wall!" Fanfiction snapped and also dragged Marth into a guillotine hold.

"You started it!" he wheezed.

"Please!" Link begged desperately. "No more LinkXGanondorf pairings! I can't take it anymore!"

"Guys quiet down," Ike insisted as he mashed the buttons on his controller. "This level's really hard."

No, it's hard 'cause you a noob.

* * *

The three swordsmen went to the Game Room and started a casual game of billiards. Beside them, the younger Smashers were loudly exclaiming as they played the Street Fighter arcade game.

"Hey, you know that Villager guy? Where's he from?" Ike asked as he applied chalk to the tip of the cue.

"Some game called Animal Crossing," Link answered and struck the cue ball. "Not much of a fighting game I've heard."

"Doesn't he unnerve you?" Marth inquired after a moment of contemplation.

"What do you mean?" Ike asked with a frown.

"I mean…"

Marth turned his head to the side. Link and Ike followed his gaze to the other end of the room. On the chair against the wall sat the Villager. He continued to stare at them with the same blank smile, unmoving, unblinking.

"Now that you mention it, he _does_ give me the creeps," Link whispered apprehensively.

Ike timidly waved at him with a weak smile. The newcomer blinked, but otherwise, did not move.

"Is it just me, or did the temperature go down?" Ike said as he felt the symptoms of goosebumps.

"I feel it too," Marth replied with a shiver.

"C'mon guys. He's just a shy newbie, right?" Link chuckled nervously. "Right?"

They turned back to the chair, but with no trace of Villager.

"W-where'd he go?" Link stammered as he looked around. "Hey, guys! Did you see the Villager?"

"Was he here?" Ness asked, puzzled by the question. His young friends shrugged or shook their heads.

Marth's eyes went wide. "Guys, gather up."

"This isn't a good sign at all," Link whispered.

Ike looked from Link to Marth. "What do you mean?"

"You idiot!" They knocked him over the head.

"Ness didn't know that the Villager was here," Marth said forebodingly.

"That means that Ness couldn't feel his presence even with his ESP powers," Link finished.

"Shiiiiiit," Ike breathed out quietly once he understood what they meant.

"Whatever he is, we have to get to the bottom of this," Link said firmly.

"You're right," the mercenary agreed. "What if he's some Devil-worshipping, animal-sacrificing hellspawn?"

Marth sighed in disbelief. "Let's be realistic here. The worst he can be is a serial killer or a member of some crazy cult. I'll look through the library for anything useful. Link, look through his contender files, including through the classified ones-"

"If Master Hand finds out-"

"He _won't _find out, Link. It's all up to your performance. And Ike….."

The mercenary looked up from the half-empty chicken bucket, and swallowed a mouthful of deep-fried meat. "Yeah?"

"…"

"…"

"….."

And the three stood there silently as the passing wind swept up some scattered leaves. Wait, they're indoors, that doesn't make any sense. This fanfic writer really needs to get his act together; I'm just the narrator.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I am NOT trying to badmouth Fanfic in any way. My only objective is to create a distinct character as an internet entity and to satirize the great amount of FFs that are too pairing-oriented and lack accurate (or redeeming) character personalities.

Brace yourself….

More FF satires are coming


	2. Chapter 2: A New Challenger Approaches

The three swordsmen gathered in Marth's room for their first official meeting. With a dire expression, the blunet cleared his throat and began.

"From what I've read in the library-"

"Sorry guys," Fanfiction apologized unfeelingly as he burst into the room with a fresh script. "You guys aren't the main characters anymore."

"What?!" Link and Marth exclaimed together. Ike was busy devouring another drumstick.

Fanfiction rubbed with back of its head. "Yeaaaah, there's been a mistake. You guys are supposed to be the side characters."

"But that means we could get killed off!" Link groaned.

"Maybe. It's all up to the Almighty Author."

"This is bullshit!" Marth spat as he slammed his fist against the wall. "Then who are the main characters?"

* * *

"Get outta here, dumb b****," an obnoxious voice taunted over X-Box Live.

"B****** can't play games for s***," another slurred with a retarded laugh. "Get back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

"The only sandwich you're gonna get is a knuckle sandwich," Samus growled under her breath as she got noob-tubed [when one is killed by a grenade launcher attachment; only for n00bs of the highest caliber].

"Everyone knows that gamer girls are just attention whores," a third voice accused.

"Yo, baby!" a prepubescent voice squeaked, trying just so damn hard to sound thug. God, I hate these kids. "Why you stop talking to me? Why- why…. Why don't you accept my friend request? You're _my_ girl now. I want no one but chuuu."

"Kid, I'm probably old enough to be your mother."

"Nah, you should be my girlfriend…. Hey, Noobkiller001!"

"What?" the bounty hunter snapped as she knifed a noob who thought he could quickscope.

"Do….. do you like big dicks? Cuz cuz I have a big dick."

_Does this kid have speech impediment or something?_ "Aight, kid. First of all you shouldn't be talking like that. How old are you? 5?"

Just then, the flatscreen read "Host Migration." Samus to lost her temper and threw the wireless controller at the screen, puncturing a deep hole with her superhuman strength.

"F***! Fifth time today!"

Peach unworriedly applied her mascara a few feet away. "Why do you even waste time on that thing? Everyone online is just plain rude."

"It's just CoD. Battlefield's usually okay," Samus informed as she started to clean up her mess. I, too, think Battlefield is superior to CoD in every single way.

"Cod? I think we had cod for dinner a few days ago," Peach recalled.

"Nevermind," Samus sighed as she retrieved the controller lodged in the TV.

The bedroom door was gently opened and Princess Zelda walked in with ever-graceful steps and examined the situation.

"Samus, I told you to stop breaking the television," she chided with a mother's sternness.

"Yeah, sorry," the blonde apologized half-heartedly.

"Remember that you're not the only one who uses the television-"

"Don't mind me," Peach interjected whilst uncapping her lipstick. "The only thing I need is my laptop, and that's just for Facenote, Twatter, Clickchat, Instapound, Stumblr, Firewood… and Dramafever."

"And _you_ already broke three of your laptops," the Hylian reminded her.

The princess of the Mushroomy Kingdom put her hands up in innocence. "I can explain myself: the first time, I dropped it in the bathtub. Second, I accidentally stepped on the screen. The third one just broke down on me; not my fault."

"It broke because you cried so much onto the keyboard that the whole thing just short circuited."

"Hey, it was a really sad scene. They were supposed to end up together… *sniff*."

Then suddenly, the door flung open as Marth barged in.

By reflex, Samus expertly hurled the game controller, knocking the blunet out as it collided dead-on with his forehead.

"Marth! Are you okay, man?" Link asked as he rushed into the room, only to be pegged out cold by another game console thrown by the same woman.

"S***," Samus swore after realizing what she had done.

When Ike stormed in late, he instantly feigned unconsciousness after seeing his fallen friends.

Zelda approached them and worriedly examined them. "Are they all right?"

The bounty hunter sighed and prepared to drag Marth by the arms. "They'll wake up soon. Let's bring them to the sofa."

"Ike, get up," Samus snapped and kicked his stomach, making him grunt. "Stop faking it."

"Noooo, I'm knocked out," he denied, eyes still shut.

"Get up, or I'm gonna beat you into a coma."

"Okay," he said curtly and got up as quickly as he fell.

Once Link and Marth were on the couch, Samus began to lightly slap the unconscious men to see if they'd respond. When nothing happened, the bounty hunter rummaged through her desk and retrieved a handheld object.

"What is that?" Ike asked curiously, looking over her shoulder. "Is that a dild- AHHHHH~!"

Samus jammed the stun gun into his neck and watched as the mercenary was electrocuted into unconsciousness.

"Samus!" a shocked Zelda exclaimed.

The blonde walked over to Marth and Link and tased them likewise.

"Aughhhhh!"

"Ahhhhhh! The f***, man?!"

Samus smirked at her handiwork and asked, "You plan on sleeping for the whole day or what?"

"_You're_ the one who knocked us out in the first place, Thugalina!" Marth yelled, pointing an accusing finger, which spasmed from the aftershock for a second.

"Just cuz you're a girl doesn't mean that we won't fight back!" Link added, tenderly rubbing his side. "And why don't you treat your other friends like this."

"That _is_ true, "Zelda agreed. "You're sometimes way too hard on the guys."

"Aight, my bad," Samus sighed in annoyance and turned around to zap the Hylian princess, who went down just as easily as Ike. "Equality, b****."

"Princess Zelda!" Link cried out and ran to her side.

"You crazy b****!" Marth shouted, bolting up from the sofa.

Samus raised an eyebrow and wagged the taser lazily. "Wanna go for round 2, pretty boy?"

Marth sustained the fierceness in his eyes but couldn't help but gulp at her challenge.

"There, finished!" Peach sang giddily as she set down her perfume bottle. She turned around and gasped at the sight.

"Sammy! I _told _you not to tase people! You even got Zelda."

"My bad," she apologized dully and put the taser away.

"Why didn't you do anything sooner?!" Link exclaimed in exasperation. "You know, maybe when we were all getting electrocuted!"

Peach rolled her baby-blue eyes with a sigh as if the Hero of Time said the most ignorant f*** alive. "I was putting on my makeup, duh."

The Hylian tried to form words, but the sheer absurdity of her words bound him mute.

"Anyways, what do you want?" Samus demanded as she plopped down on her bed to check on her Paralyzer. Marth and Link flinched as she waved it past their direction. "Make it snappy."

"Give back our places as the main characters," Marth demanded.

"No can do," Samus answered absently as she polished the gun with her sleeve.

"Why not? We've already got the plot moving. You can't just come in and steal the limelight."

"Side characters got no decent story development; you know that."

"But we _just _started to find out what the Villager is."

"Him? What's so special that twerp?"

Marth let out a frustrated sigh. "Fanfiction didn't even tell you? The Villager's the one who's behind all the murders that are going to happen."

"Great. Give away **all** the spoilers, will you," Samus said sarcastically.

"I thought that it's pretty obvious by now."

"Who knows? Maybe there'll be a Shamalan Twist."

The blunet cringed. "Do not speak of his name. Gods, I hope he got nothing to do with this story. After that Avatar movie…."

"What Avatar movie?" Link asked in a sudden monotonous voice.

"Yes, what movie?" Peach echoed in the same tone. "There is no movie in Ba-Sing Se."

"There is no movie in Ba-Sing Se."

"Whatevs. We ain't giving up our positions, princess," Samus concluded. "So if that's all you got to say, I think we're done here."

Fuming, Marth took a hold of one of Ike's arms and grumbled, "Let's go, Link."

"But Zelda-"

"We'll take care of her," Peach assured him with a gentle smile.

The two swordsmen lifted the comatose mercenary, who somehow managed go spurt nonsensical phrases in his inert state.

"Defeating a sandwich only makes it tastier."

* * *

"Attention all Smashers, report to the grand hall. All Smashers to the grand hall," a Wire-Frame announced on the intercom.

"What now?" Link groaned as he and Marth dragged Ike out their bedroom. Their friend was now awake, but the electric shock took its toll on the few brain cells he originally had.

"It's Leviosaaaaaa," he slurred, distorting his mouth into grotesque shapes.

In the grand hall, the Smashers were waiting restlessly for Master Hand. Many of their associates from Brawl had yet to return, so they knew it was about who made the cut. The great hand floated in, and the Smashers crowded around him. He seemed to be pained as he looked at each fighter. Taking a deep breath, he announced the inevitable.

"Kids, I have bad news."

"What is it?" they asked as they swarmed in even more.

"We have two new challengers."

"How is that bad news?" Sonic inquired in his cheerful, hyper self, then suddenly turned insidious. "As long as they're not faster than me. Then I'll have to bury them alive in the forest."

Everyone looked at him with traumatized expressions and took one step away from him. Master Hand cleared his voice and continued.

"Unfortunately, I was forced to accept two new challengers that honestly have no place in the Smash Mansion, or Nintendo as a matter of fact."

"Great. Is it Master Chief?" Fox asked with revulsion in his voice. Bile began to surface in the Smashers' mouths at the thought of it.

"Master Chief for Smash Bros 4!" a rabid fanboy shrieked from outside the window as he foamed at the mouth. "Master Chief for Smash Bros 4! Master Chi-"

Samus deftly blew him to bits with a missile from her trusty Arm Canon, earning polite claps from the mansion's residents. This was her version of golf.

"Thank you Samus. As I was saying, I do not want these people here any more than you do, but Fanfiction says that this is the will of the Almighty Author. I introduce to you: Mary Sue and Gary Stu."

Moans, wails, and gut-wrenching screams resounded as the doors of the grand hall began to open.

"Quick, bar-a the gates!" Mario cried out as he dashed to the door. "I can't-a have anyone take away-a my spotlight!"

Everyone except for Master Hand, the Villager, and a brain-damaged Ike, went to work. They slammed the door shut, and began to use various furniture to bolt and block the doorway. A mystic force seemed to be pushing against their blockade.

"We can't hold them off!" Olimar shouted as he pushed his entire weight against the barricade.

"Their perfection…. It's too… much….," Pit groaned against the opposing force that threatened to blow the doors open. Finally, a brilliant white light knocked the Smashers several feet back as the door was flung open. Once the light faded, there stood two dreaded individuals who represented the quintessence of bad fanfiction.

The man was remarkably handsome with black hair and red streaks, unusual red and purple irises, and a glowing device embedded in his chest. He wore a black trench coat and carried a multi-barreled pistol in his holster, a katana and an array of shurikens around his belt, and a giant, high-tech canon of some sort strapped to his back. Beneath his trench coat was a skintight tank top made of nanofiber Kevlar that outlined his ever-so impressive muscles. And he probably had a big dick.

The girl was unbelievably gorgeous, and I mean so f****** beautiful that even the thug Samus would slit her wrists out of inferiority. She had long, flowing pink locks that were impractical for a fighting tournament, mesmerizing eyes that were green as the purest emerald, a voluptuous body that could turn a gay man straight, a diamond-shaped tattoo in the middle of her forehead, and an ancient medallion that hung from her neck. She wore, of course, a weird kimono-styled battle gear, a pair of golden magic gauntlets, and white combat boots supported by 3 inch heels. This epitome of female perfection wielded a long double-sided sword that was suspiciously similar to Pit's bow.

[Ridiculous appearances: check]

The Smashers stared at the pair in horror and awe, unsure if they should lynch the perfect abominations or worship them. They held their breaths when the girl opened his mouth to speak.

"Hi guys, I'm Mary Sue!" she chirped happily with a cute smile.

"The name's Gary Stu," the young man introduced himself in a cool manner, giving them a brief nod, letting them know that he was indeed, very cool.

[Animals and children instinctively like them:…..]

"Strangely, I instinctively like them," Fox stated astoundedly, struggling to keep his his tail from wagging in delight.

"Me too," Ness concurred, trapped in the same hypnotic trance as the Starfox Commander.

"Pika~!" Pikachu exclaimed and jumped into Mary's arms and was contently petted by the newcomer.

"Get the f*** away from him! That's my dog," Samus hissed venomously, reaching for her taser.

[check]

Master Hand fidgeted nervously and cleared his voice. "So, why don't you tell us a bit about yourselves?"

The two newcomers' expressions turned pained, notifying the other Smashers to prepare for the worst.

"It's not a very happy story. Would you still like to hear it?" Gary asked guardedly.

"No no no no no!" the crowd pleaded.

He rested his forehead on his palm and sighed melodramatically, which strangely looked very sexy. "Very well, I'll tell you," he conceded, earning a chorus of groans and complaints.

"In a world far away…"

Here we go again.

"There's a world called Cyborg Nation…"

Lol. What a retarded name.

"… that has technological advancements that no other world possesses."

"Bullshit!" Fox hollered condescendingly.

"Amen brother," Samus agreed with the anthro, considering the technology of her homeworld .

Gary Stu's eyes turned fiery red as he dashed to Fox with unmatched speed and shoved his face onto the canine's long nose. The newbie's face was hideously scrunched up into a glare, his eyes were mere centimeters away from Fox's.

"He's faster than me," Sonic gasped quietly with a manic expression as he flipped out a switchblade. "Gonna f****** cut him up!"

"Does your world have nanomachines that build space elevators in mere seconds? Huh?" Gary demanded defensively.

"Well…," Fox began.

"Are there teleportation devices that can bring you to any time period of any world?"

The Starfox commander thought for a second. "No, but-"

"Thought so," the annoying OC said haughtily as he stood back triumphantly.

"OP! Rito plz nerf!" Falco hooted.

"Geez, my bad if I offended you or something," Fox said. "But you didn't have to take it as a personal attack."

"I'm not taking this PERSONALLY!" Gary roared as his great canon whirred to life with pale blue energy and automatically pointed at Fox.

The room fell silent from the seemingly composed newcomer's outburst.

Master Hand floated in between the two Smashers and suggested "Why don't you put that thing away and continue your story, Gary."

Acting like nothing happened, Gary Stu turned off his firearm and dusted himself off. "Where was I? Oh, yes; Cyborg Nation was once called United Neo States, until the violent Cyborgs overthrew the peaceful king. They enslaved people who refused to become Cyborgs or forced them to become one of them. When I was just a little kid, I was a slave under a cruel robot overlord and never knew who my parents were."

As stupid as the story was, many of the Smashers felt something touch their hearts. **This **is the power of the Stues.

_Am I sympathizing with him?_

_Why am I feeling sorry for this prick?_

_He's been through so much! I suddenly adore him!_

"I was drafted into a super soldier project that took the lives of many test subjects. Naturally, I survived and outshined all my peers in all aspects. When I was ready to be used in war against a neighboring country, I met a ragtag team of freedom fighters that told me the truth about my birth."

Bowser let out an aggravated sigh and crossed his arms. "Let me guess, you're the son of the dead king."

Gary Stu blinked in utter surprise. "How did you know?"

"Based-a on all-a the clichéd OCs in-a fanfiction, it's-a pretty obvious," Mario stated spitefully.

"Yes, I was supposed to be the prince, so I broke my ties with the evil Cyborg overlords-"

"Didn't you say 'robot overlords?'" Marth cut in.

"_Cyborg_ overlords, and joined the resistance. But they found our hidden base and scattered us-"

"And why didn't the cyborgs just create more powerful cyborgs instead of going through the trouble of using humans?" Dedede interrogated.

F*** you, that's why. Moving on, during the raid, one of my best friends friends, Token Black Guy, died while saving my life."

"Woah, woah woah!" Link said, holding his hands up. "This is starting to sound a little racist."

Stu's brows furrowed in irriation. "His _name_ was Token Black Guy. And my friend is black; I can't be racist."

"Definitely some noob author who came up with this crap," Link whispered to Marth.

Gary Stu scanned the Crowd with sorrowful eyes. "Ever since Token Black Guy was killed, I've always carried a terrible guilt in my heart and I never want to lose another person dear to me again."

Peach wiped a tear from her eye. "That was so sweet."

"My heart of justice is burning beyond measure!" Captain Falcon exclaimed as a feeling stirred in the left side of his chest. He was probably just experiencing a minor heartburn.

"Oh, come on!" Link said in disbelief. "_Every _OC in fanfiction feels bad about something from the past."

"But he's _real_," the Mushroom Kingdom princess reasoned earnestly.

"His name's _Gary Stu_."

The flawless ex-prince gave Peach a brilliant smile. "Once I get back my kingdom, I'll have to start looking for a princess. Interested?"

Peach could only nod numbly at the irresistible proposition.

"Sonic! Great to see you again!" Mary exclaimed gleefully as she ran over to embrace the hedgehog.

Sonic jumped back from her reach and wildly brandished his knife, his appearance feral and rabid. "W-who the f*** are you?! I-I'll f****** cut you up, b****!"

"Come on, silly. Don't you remember me? When I single-handedly saved your life and the whole Sega world?"

"I don't know who you are, but I'm sure we'll be best of friends in no time," Gary said warmly to the speedster. "And it's _definitely_ not because my creator is a Sonic fan."

"Of course that would happen," Fox mumbled to himself. "I just hope there aren't any more Sonic characters in this fanfic."

"Tails, Shadow, Silver, and other Sonic characters will be joining us in a few weeks," Master Hand quickly put in.

Everyone groaned, while Sonic let out a shrill scream like he had rabies.

"With some OP Sonic characters that some fanboy made up."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"_I'm_ supposed to be the only Sega character in Super Smash Bros! I'll- I'll f****** cut them up!"

"When do I get to start training?" Gary Stu asked eagerly. "I'm itching for a good fight."

"Don't worry. You'll obviously be able to beat everyone eventually," Marth muttered in resignation. "And of course you'll show off your awesome power during your first match."

"Can I have a quick match to show off my awesome power?" the newcomer requested earnestly.

"…... I…. see….. why…. not," Master Hand struggled to say. "Marth, why don't you be his opponent?"

The blunet's friends patted him on the back while his face was devoid of all human emotions.

"This was meant to be," Ike said reassuringly as if it would lift the doomed man's spirits.

"It will be a 1 stock 2 minute match on Skyworld," Master Hand announced. "No items."

* * *

"3!"

Marth reluctantly drew his sword and sighed in despair.

"2!"

Gary Stu readied his overgrown pistol like a cowboy. He was probably also a cowboy on top of being a super soldier and a prince.

"1!"

Very awesomely, he flung back his tailcoat and began to pull out his weapon.

"GO!"

In a flash, Gary began firing volleys of bullets at the swordsman. Marth dodged and deflected the incoming projectiles as he swiftly closed the gap between them. Before he was in attacking range, the OC jumped high into the air and shot a large, multicolored beam at him. Marth could only widen his eyes in surprise for a split second before the blast was upon him. Satisfied, Gary holstered his gun as he landed on a higher platform. He began to walk away from the smoke.

Then, something from the haze flew out, causing Gary to shoot it out of the air with his impeccable reflexes, only to see that it was just a rock. Not sparing him even a second, Marth pushed himself off of a pillar and shot straight at Gary's unguarded left side. He thrusted his sword at the newcomer with a fully charged Shield Breaker, ready to claim victory. However, a hard, metallic substance met the razor-sharp point of the blade. The canon strapped to Gary's back was now in the shape of a shield, easily holding out against Marth's Falchion.

"RITO PLZ NERF!" Falco shouted louder this time.

Marth jumped back from another pistol shot. "What the hell is that? There's no defense that Shield Breaker can't penetrate."

"This is the Ultima Canon. In addition to having a mind of its own, it can change into anything shape I desire," Gary explained as he patted the huge weapon.

"Now _that's _just OP," Samus commented from the bleachers.

"Kill the bastard, Marth!" Fox hollered in encouragement, earning an elbow from Peach.

"For example, I'll transmute this into a form of transportation," Gary said and the Ultima Canon turned into a skyboard from Sonic Riders and flew at Marth, missing him by inches. Sega, please don't sue.

"Yeah? Then why don't you change it into a giant dick and shove it up your ass?" Marth spat at him, readying for the next attack.

"Oh, I'm sure you'd know all about shoving things up your ass, ladyboy," the newcomer returned smugly, always prepared with the best comebacks. His knowledge of banter and witty responses exceeded the vastness of the universe.

With a roar of anger, the blunet charged at him with a heavy diagonal slash, only to have Gary fly out of range and fire more bullets. To show off even more, the exiled prince of United Neo States jumped off his skyboard to meet Marth on top of a cloud. Unsheathing his jet-black katana, Gary got into a battle stance.

"Truthfully, I've never used a sword before. This is the legendary Weeaboo from the planet Sexikawaii, an ancient katana that holds great and terrible power-"

"And you have to master it and blah blah blah. We know," Marth finished, not wanting to hear another badly clichéd story.

Brushing off his rudeness, Gary awesomely said, "Ready when you are."

Marth shot forth and performed a lightning-fast buffet of Dancing Blades, only to have his opponent easily block every attack. Once the ferocity of the attacks started to wane, Gary Stu took advantage of this to commence his own assault.

Marth barely dodged and parried the strikes, shocked by the novice's technique. _I've never seen anyone move like this! Just what is he?_

Master Hand looked on with admiration and said, "He's a natural."

Link facepalmed hard and grumbled, "I was hoping no one would say that."

"That's it! No more Mister Nice Guy!" Marth growled as his blade shone more intensely. Thrown off by the change in power, Gary was now pushed to the defensive as the blunet pressed forward. Just when Marth thought that he would win, Gary's sword burned ablaze with violet energy.

"Well, f*** me," Marth stated matter-of-factly, knowing that he was now royally screwed.

With newfound strength, Gary shoved the blunet back and swung his blade downwards, producing a ridiculously large shockwave of dark energy, blasting away Marth and half the stage.

"GAME!"

Before Gary Stu could celebrate his victory, dark flames began to engulf him, roaring out of control.

"Aughhhh! I can't control it!"

"Don't give in, comrade!" Captain Falcon encouraged, enraptured by the OC's predictable trial.

Fox rested his chin on his hands with a bored expression on his face. "You'll have it under control in a few dramatic seconds."

After a few dramatic seconds of struggling, the flames began to diminish. "I think I have it under control now!"

Shaking his head in dismay, Fox watched as Gary finally managed to sheathe the super-powerful sword, sealing off its power.

"Great, can we get lunch now?" Link demanded impatiently.

"Not before I hail Mr. Gary Stu as a prodigy and give him the best room in the mansion," Master Hand said enthusiastically as he hurriedly floated down to the spawn zones. This is the power.

The OC and a half-conscious Marth were teleported back onto the spawn zones.

"Gary, that was amazing!" Peach squealed as she instantly hugged him, for no woman alive could resist the irresistibility of his irresistibleness.

"If you'd like, I can use my magic to help you discover your hidden powers," Zelda offered, then in a more sensual way, "One-on-one. Just you and me."

Link eyed the newcomer suspiciously, looking for any eyebrow-wiggling or a bulge from his indisputably above-average sized penis.

"A little OP if you ask me," Samus remarked. "But…. If you ever need someone to spar with…"

Link almost ripped out his hair as he exclaimed, "Even Samus?!"

"Hey, mister! You're really strong. You think you can teach me a few moves?" Ness asked hopefully.

"Me too!" Toon Link piped up. "I wanna get strong too!"

With a gloriously musical laugh, Gary ruffled their hair and responded, "Being the fatherly type of guy that all girls love, of course I'm willing to teach you guys."

He then turned to Marth and bent down to help, only to have Link and Ike jump in the way and hiss like a pair of irritable cats.

"I was only trying to help," he said innocently.

"Fatherly _and_ compassionate," Peach sighed dreamily.

Link scrunched his face up in disgust at her infatuation then told Ike to get Marth to the infirmary. The mercenary grabbed an arm and began to drag him across the floor before Mary Sue stepped in front of him.

"I think I can help him," she said in an affirmative but delicate way.

Link considered this for a moment and nodded to Ike. Leaving him on the floor, the Smashers stepped back as Mary knelt down to begin a chant in an archaic and powerful language known as Wapanese.

"Sushi senpai arigato kawaii katana naruto kimono tentacle porn..."

A glowing yellow pentagram formed under Marth as his injuries healed in a matter of seconds. He slowly opened his eyes to be greeted by a pair of large breasts.

"Are you… an angel?" he asked softly.

"He's-a been bewitched by-a titties!" Mario gasped, who was starting to feel the effect as well.

"Don't fall for it! She's still a Mary Sue!" Metaknight warned as they intently stared at her hanging chest.

The OC giggled and said, "No silly. You're still alive."

Marth slowly examined his healed body and asked, "How is this possible. Even at the infirmary it would take a few hours."

"I have the ability to heal anyone with one spell," she explained. "I learned it from my master, who revived me from death four times so far."

"You've been revived too?" Gary Stu asked with surprise. What a coincidence.

"So, Mary," Master Hand began, "You can cure _anyone _of _anything_?"

"I'm hungry," Ike stated randomly.

"Pretty much."

Master Hand contemplated this. "Do you think you'll be able to volunteer a bit at our infirmary."

Dr. Mario's going to get sacked.

"Sure!" she agreed happily. "I love helping others out."

"Good, good," the floating hand said before leaning over to Luigi. "Tell Dr. Mario to start packing. His services are no longer needed."

I'm psychic.

"I want lunch!" Ike roared in fury.

* * *

At the cafeteria, Gary Stu looked around in hopes of finding people to sit with. Wanting to warm up with the other guys, he took a seat beside Marth, who raised an eyebrow haughtily.

"You fought well today," the OC complimented, trying to break the ice. The Altean's torrential revulsion seemed to negate Stu's mastery of winning people over.

"I was clearly no match for your godly powers," Marth pointed out detachedly.

"Don't feel so bad about it. I almost always win all physical and verbal fights."

"Ugh, let's go guys," Marth grumbled as he stood up with his tray.

"Oh, and about the ladyboy thing… I was caught up in the moment. I didn't mean it. Sorry."

Marth looked at him square in the face and said, "Well, about shoving a giant dick up you're a**, I meant every word of it."

The three swordsmen left Gary and sat at another table, leaving the newcomer to be obviously be pitied and accepted by another group.

"Hey!" a female's voice shouted from behind. "Hey, Gary!"

He swiveled around to see Peach waving ecstatically at him. "Over here!"

With a surprised expression he joined the girls at their table. Why would he be surprised? Everyone of the opposite sex wants his d.

"Were those guys being mean to you?" Zelda asked suspiciously. "I'm going to have a word with them later."

But being the ever-so altruistic guy that he was, Gary Stu said, "Nah, they just wanted some time by themselves."

"Well, well. Look who joined _their_ table," Samus observed dryly. At the far end of the cafeteria, Mary Sue was chatting happily to the three men while they seemed to be in some hypnotic trance.

"Oh. My. God," Peach said in her valley-girl voice. "Is she, like, seriously whoring herself out?"

Samus rolled her eyes. "Men. They're impressed by anything with breasts."

"Amen, sister. I'm glad you're not like other boys, Gary."

"I'll eventually bone all three of you, but yeah, I'd like to think that I'm a bit different."

"What?!" Samus exclaimed.

"Awww, that's so sweet," Peach sighed.

"Peach, didn't you just hear-"

"But _that_ skank is just so…. ugh. Like, she just acts like she's _so_ perfect; how can anyone stand her?"

At the other side of the cafeteria, Mary Sue was orating the heart-rending events of her past. The boys, on the other hand, were absently nodding as their visions were fixed 4 inches below her face.

"So, where are you from, Marth?" Mary asked.

"F cups," he blurted out.

"Sorry?"

"Ahh…. I mean, Altea," the blunet quickly corrected himself as he snapped out of the trance.

The newcomer let out a small giggle that could make Satan blush. "You're funny."

"Ha, ha. Yeah, funny….," he echoed, slightly sweating. If it were someone like Samus, she would have already crushed his head in.

With a smile that seemed to glow with a light of its own, the pink-haired girl turned her attention to Link, although his attention was directed… elsewhere.

"You're from Hylia, aren't you? No need to be surprised; I've read all about it in the Great Library. What's it like to live there?"

"… jiggly," Link managed to drone.

"Jiggly?"

"I like your boobies," Ike stated from out of nowhere.

"Ummm, thanks?"

* * *

Master Hand announced a meeting in the auditorium a few hours after lunch. It wasn't like him to be so abrupt.

At the podium, Fanfiction was standing beside the giant hand. This unnerved the Smashers, except the two OCs, who seemed to be perfectly calm.

"What does he want now?" Link grumbled, sinking into one of the seats.

"I think this is the part where we get sent to our deaths," Ike guessed bluntly as he swallowed another strip of fried chicken.

After receiving a nod from Fanfiction, Master Hand stated in a clear voice, "We'll be visiting the under-construction Smashville tomorrow."

"I knew it!"

"I want everyone ready to leave by tomorrow morning. Pack lightly."

With unsure expressions, the fighters exited the stadium. Fanfiction watched them leave with a wide grin stretching from ear to ear.


	3. Smashville: Day 1

Falco's eyes fluttered open as he felt the first rays of sunlight shine against his face. After stretching his limbs out lazily, the avian threw off the covers and walked out to the balcony.

The Starfox pilot was a morning person, and he had always felt the obligation to make everyone enjoy the break of dawn. After climbing out of the window, he hopped up to the roof of the Smash Mansion and faced the new sun. As often as he was sarcastic and apathetic, Falco performed this morning ritual daily without fail.

"Cockadoodledoo~!" he crowed at the top of his lungs, flapping his wings.

Instantly, outcries of complaint and frustration were heard from the other rooms, followed by various objects being thrown at the roof. With his chest puffed out in pride, Falco strutted down from the roof, content that he had heralded the glorious new day.

The Smashers were in the living room with their luggage, either half-asleep or waiting impatiently. Ten minutes passed. Then 15. Then 30.

"Aren't we behind schedule?" Pit asked uneasily as he glanced at the clock on the wall.

Master Hand floated into the room, out of breath. "Sorry for the holdup. I was delayed for a reason that will never be explained. Enough talk; let's get going!"

Grumbling spitefully to themselves, the Smashers dragged their bags out the door. They boarded the bus outside the mansion and reclined into their seats to get their much needed sleep. As the bus took off, they heard a faint female voice in the distance.

"Wait! Stop the bus!"

Mary Sue was chasing the bus as fast as she could, causing a shocking amount of boob-physics.

"What is that?" Diddy Kong asked, squinting his eyes to focus on the far away Smasher.

"I don't know, but it's bouncing towards us!" Ike said with apprehension.

"Wait a second; that's Mary Sue!" Master Hand exclaimed. "Stop the bus!"

The driver chuckled. "I'm just an a****** who's going to drive even faster because it'll show that the Mary Sue can overcome pointless trials!"

At the opposite end of the bus, the women were doing their best to aid the bus driver. Peach was throwing turnips while screaming profanities, Samus was firing a volley of missiles, and Zelda was casting multiple Din's Fires. Expertly avoiding all the incoming projectiles, Mary Sue calculated that she had no choice but to rely on her super secret magic abilities.

"Chronos Gauntlets, activate!"

Her stereotypical runic armguards flashed as they responded to their insufferable master. The bus gradually slowed down; the buffets of artillery decreased in ferocity; Mary's footsteps sped up. In seconds, the pink-haired bombshell jumped through the open backdoor of the vehicle and powered down her enchanted equipment.

"How did she-?" Peach began, astonished that the b**** appeared behind her.

"Impossible!" Zelda gasped.

Mary Sue panted as she steadied her breath. "Sorry I'm late."

"Holy Hamlet! Did she just get superspeed?" Megaman wondered, obviously in awe of her greatness.

"Time control," Gary stated coolly, naturally making all eyes turn to him. "Your gauntlets give you the power to alter time, don't they?"

Mary Sue was surprised by his ever-so accurate prediction. "How did you know?"

"I once fought a villain OC who tried to us the Chaos Emeralds to turn time back before the dawn creation," the most popular man in the universe answered sagely. "It was a difficult battle, but I defeated him (obviously)."

"CHAOS EMERALDS!" Sonic screeched, furiously scratching his neck due to withdrawals.

"That's amazing, Master Stu!" Captain Falcon exclaimed sitting at the edge of his seat. "Tell us more about your heroic struggle!"

The OC stayed humble, but couldn't help but share his adventures of saving the world. Thus, he took the route of the humble bragger.

"I don't want to brag, but it started off as-"

"SHUT THE F*** UP!" Ganondorf roared, giving off a sudden flare of dark energy. The whole bus went silent. Crossing his arms, the King of Evil muttered, "B****-a** wi****."

* * *

The crew arrived at Smashville by twilight. From the windows, they spied various clothed animals work industriously on the replica of their hometown.

"Damn, they're doing some serious renovation here," Donkey Kong murmured, examining the revamped stage.

"Furries," Ike whispered rather loudly, pressing his face against the glass. "We're surrounded by furries. It's like Laguz x2. GG for humanity man."

"At-a least it's-a not the Star Fox-a kind of furries," Mario pointed out.

"Hey!" Fox and Falco shouted, offended by their blatant racism.

"Not you two. You guys are cool," Link reassured.

The Smashers were dropped off at town hall, where Mayor Tortimer was waiting for them. He spoke in gibberish, which was translated by a conveniently placed text bubble.

"Welcome to Smashville 2.0," he greeted in a frail voice. "I hope you all like the changes we're making to this stage."

"You and the townspeople are doing a phenomenal job," Master Hand complimented warmly. "It's clear that the navigation will be more challenging for the Smashers; certainly a big improvement from the original stage."

"Great. Another advantage for campers," Marth grumbled, fed up with long-ranged guerilla tactics. Contrarily, Samus did a mental fistpump.

The mayor noticed a familiar face and beamed. "Well if it isn't Gary Stu! I can't believe I'm seeing you again!"

"I didn't think you'd notice me, sir," Gary chuckled and gave the old tortoise a tight hug.

The mayor chortled. "I almost didn't! My, how you've grown. You were only about a head taller than me the last time we met."

"And my ego's grown quadruple the amount!" the OC exclaimed excitedly.

"You two know each other?" Master Hand queried, confused by their friendliness.

"Gary Stu is the savior of the town!" the aged anthro heralded. "This backstory was **just **added by the author, but who cares? Several years back, we had a problem with illegal aliens trying to cross into our town."

The truth was that the unwanted visitors were a pacifistic species of aliens who were seeking refuge from their vaporized home planet. With all their survivors in a mothership, they searched for a peaceful place to settle.

"Before I was interrupted by exposition, I was going to tell you that we built a long fence to keep them out, but them sneaky aliens found their way in somehow. Gary was just a wandering soul who saw our problem and single-handedly drove them out. To make sure that they never came back, he destroyed the mothership along with all them aliens."

"That's amazing!" Falcon said passionately. "You truly are the greatest hero to have ever lived!"

"He's so brave," Peach sighed, batting her eyelashes longingly.

Pit pursed his lips and widened his eyes in shock. "….. Isn't that genocide?"

"The main point is that this brave young man prevented the aliens from taking over our town and taking all our jobs," Tortimer praised and patted the holocaustic champion on the back. "What are we doing outside? Come, I'll guide you to your rooms. The inn's very close by."

* * *

"If you folks need anything, just drop by at the town hall," the tortoise offered and hobbled out the inn.

Upstairs, Peach bounced on the bed, satisfied with the quality. "Wow. They even upgraded the rooms. They even got rid of the peasant beds."

Zelda was neatly unpacking her clothes into the drawer. "At the very least, I'm surprised by all of Gary's accomplishments. They may even surpass Link's."

"Don't you guys think that we're being too chummy with him?" Samus questioned, deep in thought.

"What do you mean, Sammy?" Peach asked, shocked by the bounty hunter's words. "He's like, the best thing since instant ramen."

"I mean, ain't the new guys getting _too_ much screentime?"

"I see where you're coming from," Zelda debated, "but they also need additional for their characters and backgrounds to develop. Don't get me wrong; I don't like this new pair of breasts, but it's true."

"Naw, but it feels like we're being booted out as the main characters, or at least some sketchy s***'s going down."

Peach sighed in frustration and looked at Samus sternly in the eyes. "Doesn't Gary give off heavenly amounts of pheromones just by standing next to him?"

"… So?"

"Doesn't he get you wet?"

"…"

"Then I don't even know why you're complaining, girlfriend. We like, finally get a decent guy into the Mansion after we had to put up with these broke-a** scrubs, but now you're complaining about him? I think you're just being paranoid."

"I don't think most of the Smashers are poor (maybe except Link), but I do think you're being too suspicious, Samus," Zelda agreed.

"Y'know what? I say you two ain't taking this seriously. Our roles are on the god-d*** line here-"

"What are you three doing?" the Wii Fit Trainer demanded energetically as she threw the door open. "It's time to feel the burn!"

"Ooooh, afternoon yoga!" Peach squealed giddily. "Let me get changed."

The bounty hunter shook her head in disgust and headed for the door.

"Samus? Where are you going?" Zelda asked curiously.

The blonde stopped at the entrance. "Getting some fresh air. Thought that at least you'd have some sense in that big brain of yours."

"Don't forget to make up this session," the trainer warned.

* * *

The three swordsmen were squatting in a circle outside the inn. Marth was explaining an intricate strategy to collect additional data about the Villager. Link nodded his head but took some time to understand the entire operation as Ike's brain was experiencing a nuclear meltdown.

"Link, can you install the cameras before dinner?"

"I think I should set them up when everyone is at the dinner table so that I won't attract any attention," the Hylian suggested.

"Whatever you feel works for you."

"Ike, did you bring the coffee powder?"

"Who's that?" he slurred, sluggishly recovering his mind. "Is she beautiful?"

"Have you even been listening- shush!" the Hero King signaled as he spied the Villager exit the building.

The three men had their backed pressed against the wall, holding their breath. With his colorless eyes, the childlike creature slowly turned his head in their direction. Cold sweat ran down their faces, on the verge of losing control of their breaths. Villager turned away and skipped off in a creepy marionette-esque fashion, giving them temporary relief.

Marth suddenly got a daring plan and turned to his friends. "Link, this is the best time to set up the CCTV. Have Ike help you."

"I can probably work two times faster without him, but okay," the Hero of Time acknowledged seriously. "What are you going to do?"

Marth gulped. "I'm going to follow him."

* * *

Using his limited experience of espionage, the blunet trailed his target from a distance. The only times he utilized stealth was sabotage missions during wars. Additionally, the sun was starting to set, making him even more uneasy.

The Villager didn't seem to be doing anything insidious, only stopping occasionally to pocket random things. However, Marth was being lead further and further away from the heart of the town to the darker outskirts. Blood was pounding in his brain as he stepped further into the unknown, his breath getting increasingly unsteady. From his peripheral vision, Marth swore he saw something behind a window.

_Are my eyes playing tricks on me? _

He focused back to the Villager, who seemed to quicken his pace. Cautiously matching his speed, the king observed the small boy quickly turn a corner. Stopping against the very edge of the wall, he contemplated on backing off for today. This subtle yet dense sensation was nothing like he's ever felt before. It left him in absolute solitude, yet hinting that he was not alone. It kept him on his toe, but stayed still as a tomb. It was the fragrance of the air and the chill in his bones. This was true fear. But no, he's come too far to go back now. There may never be another chance like this again. With adrenaline rushing through his veins and on the brink of hyperventilating, Marth peeked his head around the corner-

* * *

"Can't you lift me up any higher?" Link demanded, trying to reach the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, but you're just too short," Ike apologized, adding no ill will in his voice.

"Shut up!"

"Maybe if we can get someone to help us…"

"I got this, bro."

"Y'know Link. That Mary girl is weird."

"Her? She's a f****** goddess. I really don't know how someone can be so perfect."

"Yeah she's hot."

"I know I've sorta devoted myself to Princess Zelda, but I'd still tap that. A lot. Please don't tell Zelda."

"Okay."

After stretching his body to the limits, Link finally attached the security camera to the ceiling above the door.

"Got it! Hey, I think I might even grow taller from this."

"I don't think that's how it works, Link."

"Let a man dream."

"…. Hey Link."

"Yes, dear?"

"Mary is really busty and nice and stuff, but I have a feeling that there's something else. Like there's something restless inside of her, like a hungry wolf. It's like it's pacing back and forth, just waiting. Watching."

Link stopped working and looked down at Ike. "When did you get so serious? You're scaring me, man."

"Maybe _she's_ a furry," the mercenary suggested. This epiphany was blowing his mind out of proportion.

"You just dug yourself a deeper hole of dumba**," Link commented, shaking his head. "S***. We still got 5 more to go."

"Hey! What're you guys doing?" a new voice asked.

The two swordsmen fell over with a yelp.

"Gee golly, I'm really sorry, guys," Megaman apologized as he helped them up. "I didn't mean to scare the pants off you."

"It's cool," Link assured as he rubbed his bruised head. "We're just playing around. It's nothing."

"Holy crimminy! Is it a game?" Megaman asked excitedly and he bounced around. "I love games!"

Link stared blankly at the Blue Bomber, remembering why it was difficult to be around him. "Actually, Ike and I want to play this game alone."

Megaman looked devastated. "But… but-"

"It's not a game that-"

"I get it!" Megaman said desperately in a rapid pace. "I get what kind of 'game' this is! Just tell me what to do. Suck your d***? Spread my booty cheeks? Please don't leave me. Daddy Mario's already disowned me."

_Why wasn't this guy put in rehab?_ Link wondered, clearly disturbed by the newcomer.

"We'll let you play. The point of the game is to stick these onto the ceiling?" Ike asked, holding up one of the small cameras.

The length of Megaman's smile could have made Joker green with envy. Prancing giddily to the mercenary, the robot took the camera and began to jump all over the walls.

"Where should I put it? Here? Here? Here? This is so much fun!"

"Ike what have you done?" Link wailed in agony.

"This little guy wants to help so much, so why don't we let him?"

reflecting on the difficulty he had with the job, the Hylian sighed in defeat. "Alright. We'll let him do it. But after that, he's gotta go."

As Megaman hyperactively triple-checked to see if the camera angles were perfect, Link and Ike relaxed leisurely in the hallway.

"Ike, you're a genius," the Hero of Time acclaimed as he plucked another grape into his mouth, Roman style.

"You really think so?" the Radiant Hero asked optimistically.

"No."

"Camera #4: check. Holy coincidence! Look guys! Our friend came back! Let's say hi to our friend!" Megaman exclaimed as he ran downstairs.

Link peered out the window to see Villager in the distance, heading back to the inn.

"F***! Ike, get up!" he barked as he kicked his friend. "We gotta get outta here! Activate the cameras' stealth mode."

With a click from a remote, the cameras camouflaged into their surroundings, rendering them almost invisible. After making sure that they left nothing behind, the two spirited away to their room.

"Hope that idiot doesn't spill the beans," Link growled, pacing around the room.

"We got vision!" Ike informed. Link walked over to the laptop screen to see the Villager calmly walk down the hallway. He stopped at his door and looked around his surrounding.

The two swordsmen unconsciously held their breaths, awaiting the worst. The little Smasher lost interest and entered his room, seeming to open the door just enough to squeeze inside.

"Now that Villager is back, where's Marth?" Ike asked.


	4. Chapter 4: The Shining

_**Author's Note:**_

**_"Almighty Author" here. Thank you all for the reviews, favorites, and for the hiatus; now that school's over I got more time! _**

**_One anonymous review brought up an interesting opinion that toning down the crudeness of the satire would be an improvement. I understand where he/she is coming from, but I've purposely made the humor vulgar and obscene. By stretching the satire to excessive lengths, I want to magnify the qualities of Mary Sues and Gary Stus, helping people to recognize Suism where they otherwise wouldn't have. And it's also damn funny._**

* * *

The dining table was crowded with talkative Smashers who awaited their dinner. There was a fiery hearth built into a wall with a moose head adorned above. An odd choice of décor considering that the residents of the town were animals themselves. The long rectangular table was covered by a red and white checkered cover. Polished tree stumps that served as chairs complemented the log walls, giving off the impression of a ski lodge rather than an inn.

Gary Stu was making small conversations with the people near him, wishing to gradually gain their friendship (which in the end he will obviously get). Fox and Falco still have him the cold shoulder, but Captain Falcon seemed to be obsessed with the fighter from United Neo States. The racer begged for more of the ex-prince's far-fetched adventures. Gary conceded to his new fan's request and started his next story, but he continuously stole glances at Link and Ike. They looked uncomfortable and anxious, as if waiting for someone. Marth, who was with them at most times, was absent.

* * *

_Marth swung around the corner, only to collide with something hard and fall to the ground._

"_Ow! What the hell-"_

"_Marth? What are you doing here?" Gary Stu asked as he gingerly rubbed his forehead. His obviously superior body and rock-hard pecs prevented him from being knocked to the ground like the Altean prince. The OC extended a hand, which Marth swatted away and rose on his own._

"_I could be asking you the same question," the blunet countered. "How come you were standing right around the corner like that?"_

_Gary crossed his arms and gave a slight scowl. "I'm not telling you anything until you answer my question first."_

"_Hell if I'm gonna say anything."_

"_Really? That's a shame," the annoyingly perfect specimen said. "I even had some valuable information you'd be interested in."_

"_What do you know about the Villager?"_

_Gary smirked his stunning smirk. His elementary-level reverse psychology worked like a master plan. Isn't he f****** genius? "So you were following Villager as well."_

_Marth groaned and facepalmed. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have blurted such a sentence and it would have taken more than an obvious trick to deceive him. However, his intellect was all for naught in the presence of a Stu. _

"_Yeah, so? What does that mean to you?"_

"_Let's just say that our interests converge," Gary said, all mysterious and cool. "I reckon we'd collect a lot more data if we work together. What do you say?"_

_Collecting his wits, Marth analyzed the situation. "For one, it's pretty clear you're gonna withhold information; you're even hesitant on telling me your motives for spying on Villager when it's probably similar to mine. I can't trust an ally that hides information like this."_

_Gary Stu's smirk seemed to dazzle even brighter, almost becoming its own light source. "You're a smart man, king Marth," he complimented. "Alright, if it's to gain your trust. I'll let you into something good. I'm not sure if you should know about my motives et, but I'll tell you what I've gathered about Villager: I couldn't find any birth certificates or early forms of ID on him. He apparently moved into this town 5 months ago. The residents say that he hasn't caused any trouble, but he's somewhat of a recluse."_

"_That's it?" the swordsman scoffed. "I could've found that out myself."_

"_I've told you everything I know," Gary confessed evenly. "Do I have your trust now?"_

_"I need all the information you have."_

_"Oh, in due time i'll tell," Stu reassured in a shrewd tone. "All in due time."_

_Marth didn't like the newcomer one bit, but he also considered that having an overpowered individual on his side would benefit him in investigating Villager. The other two oafs could also be against his decision to team up with this insufferable man, and would lead to tension within their circle. Then again, they don't have to know about this alliance. All he had to do was use Gary as a source of data and claim to have conducted investigations on his own. After weighing the options, he slowly held out an open hand._

"_Fine. But this has to stay between us; no one else can know about this."_

_Gary Stu shook his hand and prepared to say even more cool lines. "Of course. In fact, I was going to say the same-"_

"_Shut up."_

_Thank you._

* * *

_So those two are part of this investigation as well, _the hero deduced. See, genius.

"And what happened after that?" Captain Falcon nagged eagerly between bites. Scraps of his all-American tacos sprayed as he talked. "My pectorals are stiff in anticipation!"

"Where were we?" Gary asked as he shifted his eyes back to Falcon, his radiant smile shining like LED lights, or a gay vampire. "Oh, right. So the Metroids were everywhere…."

The OC continued his story, barely noticing Marth slip into a seat between Link and Ike.

"Dude, where were you?" Ike whispered.

"We thought _'_he_'_ got you," Link hissed, darting his eyes to make sure that said person didn't hear him.

"Calm down. I had some important business to attend," the prince said, annoyed. "Did you get the job done?"

Samus spared a quick glance at the blunet. P_retty boy had better keep his end of the bargain._

* * *

_Samus skipped another pebble across the fountain. The small stone hopped across the water at breakneck speed and cracked the limestone border of the fountain. The lone bounty hunter ended up entertaining herself at the marketsquare after an hour of meandering. All of the residents have returned to their homes, so the area was empty and tranquil._

Think, Samus. Think. How can you prove yourself to be the protagonist?

_Picking up the sound of footsteps, the blonde looked up to see a blue-haired human draw closer._

Now that's an idea.

"_Yo, Martha. What're you doing out here?"_

"_Ugh. Thugalina," Marth grumbled in a dull voice._

"_What was that?"_

"_Forget it," he said with a hint of irritation and passed by her._

"_Hold up. I got something to tell you," Samus declared as she grabbed his arm. The prince roughly shook her off and continued on his way._

"_Don't you want to be one of the main characters of the fanfic?" Samus asked slyly, stopping Marth in his tracks. "Don't you want the Plot Armor?"_

_He turned around with a cautious expression, suspicious of the unlikely opportunities he's been given in one day._

"_Are you f***ing with me?" he snapped._

"_We can f*** later if you wanna, but I'm being serious right now."_

"_And how are you going to get me the Plot Armor?" Marth asked dubiously, ignoring her last remark. "Fanfiction already said that you, Peach and Zelda are the main characters."_

_The bounty hunter shrugged nonchalantly. "Hey, roles can change. To be honest, the plot's going nowhere with those two. Right now, I gotta pull all our loads. I don't have any useful allies and no leads to start my investigation. That's why I don't think that it's a bad idea to get you involved in this. If you're cooperative, we might be able to convince Fanfiction to reconsider."_

"_What if Fanfiction doesn't want so many protagonists," Marth challenged. "How are you going to keep our end of the deal then?"_

"_You can replace Peach," Samus answered without second thoughts. "She's the more useless one of the two."_

_Marth raised an eyebrow, fighting back a smirk. "You're more heartless than I thought."_

"_Hey, that hurts. It's only fair that main characters prove themselves to deserve their roles."_

_The blunet pondered for a second. "What about Link and Ike?"_

_Samus scoffed in thought before saying, "Three's a crowd. But c'mon, do you really need those two stooges?"_

"_They're my fr- useful allies."_

"_So? I'm willing to give my friends up. Besides, even if they die, they'll be alive in the next fanfic."_

_The two choices in his hands made Marth falter. "Alright. I'll do it. But you _have _to own up to your promise, no matter what."_

"_For sure. I swear on my sister's grave," she vowed with hand over her chest with clear knowledge that she was on only child._ Do you really think that you'll get the Plot Armor this way? You must be getting fricking desperate now. _"But don't get me wrong, you're gonna have to work for the position. I don't want any slacking."_

"_I _know _what I have to do," the prince growled. _Do you really think that things are going to go your way? I'll drag all three of you down from your high horses. Then we'll see who has the last laugh.

"_Then looks like we got ourselves a deal," Samus concluded and held out a hand._

* * *

Megaman was running about the dining hall, serving his fellow Smashers. The employees at the inn tried to stop him, but the ingratiating Blue Bomber insisted. He moved without pause while serving as both chef and waiter, but he only ended up making things worse for everyone.

"Waaaaaaaa!" Luigi shrieked as he pulled his bleeding mouth away from his hamburger.

"Holy s***!" Mario cried out as he turned to see the shine of a razor buzz inside the burger. "Who the f*** would-a do this? MEGAMAN!"

The former Capcom representative slid out from beneath the table with a conniving twinkle in his robotic eyes. "Yeeeees, Papi Mario?"

"You put-a your f****** metal blades inside-a Luigi's burger! Do you-a run on a f****** Windows 97 or-a what?!"

"Jimminy fiasco! I must've left it in there when I cut the bun," Megaman giggled as his smile stretched to disturbing lengths. There was an insidious shine in his eyes. _Next time, I'll be sure to get you, Mario-senpai. Next time._

"Are these _leaves_ in my salad?" Zelda choked as she spit out bits of inedible greens. She tried to make a complaint, but the Blue Bomber zipped right past her.

"Sorry for the wait," Megaman apologized as he smoothly skirmished down the table while distributing several dishes.

Olimar rubbed his hands in expectation as he inhaled the steaming aroma from his bowl, but then realized that the contents of his beef noodle soup were diced into tiny pieces.

Ike was about to take a massive bite out of his rotisserie chicken until it exploded, showering people in chunks of meat. Falco fainted.

"That darn Crash Bomb must've somehow made its way in there," Megaman remarked in dismay.

King Dedede licked his lips as he ravenously eyed the platter of fresh Turban Shells. Their wet carapaces glistened delectably, displaying their freshness to the hungry monarch. He neatly tied his bib and picked up a fork and a small metal mallet. Suddenly he felt a weight on his shoulder; the penguin turned to see a robotic bird perched on his right shoulder.

"Whadda you want?" he demanded.

The automaton cocked its head to one side and hopped onto the table. Dedede eyed it suspiciously as it skipped around his plate.

"What're you… hey…. HEY!" the king of Dreamland exclaimed as the robot flew away with his meal.

Despite the chaos ensuing around him, Megaman was trapped in his own delusional world. _Skippitty do, I've doen great today. If I keep this up, I'm sure all the senpai will notice me._

* * *

Link tapped his fingers against the table impatiently as he watched Marth slap a helping of moisturizer onto his face. The vain king did a final check for blemishes in the mirror but got side-tracked with marveling at his reflection.

"Beautiful. And look at that hair. Look at how it shines in the light."

After his nightly ritual, the Hero King exited the bathroom.

"Took you long enough," Link snapped.

Marth only scoffed as he dried his hair with a towel. "Do you think it's easy to look _this_ good?"

"We got some more important matter on our hands," the Hero of Time scolded. "_He_ could be making his move at any minute."

"Relax," his royal friend assured as he pulled out the chair and opened the laptop screen. "If 'he' went anywhere, the cameras would have caught it."

Marth opened a CCTV program and multiple splitscreens flickered to life. The green night vision produced a hazy resolution, giving off an eerie effect.

"That's weird, why does this look like some outdated video feed," Marth murmured.

Ike leaned over Marth's shoulder to gawk at the laptop screen. "This is some creepy s***. You know, this reminds me of a movie I watched a few weeks ago called Supernatural Activities. There's this haunted house with this demon, so this couple set up some video cameras, and-"

"Ike, shut up!" Link hissed as his eyes stayed glued to the monitor. The Villager had just exited his room and surveyed his surroundings carefully. His otherwise blank eyes held some sort of piercing intensity. Coincidentally, the feed from the cameras seemed to worsen, and a horror story from Ike was the last thing that Link and Marth needed. The mysterious Smasher held his gaze in the direction of the main camera. The swordsmen could feel their heartrates accelerating and their hands clammy with cold sweat. The Villager's coal-black eyes bore into their souls, his knowing smile seeming to hold sinister secrets. He slowly turned away and began to make his way down the hall. Then the signal went dead.

The three interlopers stayed frozen in place for a second, and then began to panic.

"Lock the door!" Link hissed at Ike, who deftly left to do so. The Hylian checked the windows while Marth frantically flipped through the other cameras they installed throughout the inn.

"I can't find him!" Marth whispered while pouring 100% of his attention to the CCTV screens. Link began to pray to the goddesses while Ike stood at the doorway with Ragnell drawn.

Then they heard the footsteps. First some faint thudding noises, then an increase in speed, growing more louder and closer by the second. To their horror, the stranger stopped at their room. From the gap at the bottom the door, blood began to trickle in, like little red fingers crawling through the small crevice.

_Knock!_

_Knock!_

_Knock!_

The three men held their swords in trembling hands, bodies numb with dread. They knew that one way or another, the door will open, but no one dared to make the first move. Then Marth nudged Ike, motioning him to go forward. The chicken-loving mercenary turned to Link with a pleading expression, but the Hylian looked away, essentially abandoning Ike to his doom. His muscular legs turning to jelly, Ike was barely able to approach the entrance. He carefully bent down to peek under the doorway, only to have a pair of wide eyes meet his own.

"Help... me."


End file.
